I have been experiencing derealization on a constant basis for four or more days.  I’m getting used to it but it breaks my heart.  I want to be here fully and not have to fight so much.

My best friend from childhood visited today.  We hadn’t seen each other in ten years and it was ten years before that when we were just two little girls playing with dolls.  We sobbed in one another’s arms when she moved away.  I thought my life would end (doesn’t any ten year old when her best friend moves away?).

Anticipating her visit was the most energizing and grounding thing I have experienced in recent memory.  I cooked (which never happens).  I made my house rather beautiful (it’s always a complete mess).  Even though I was doing all this preparation I didn’t care what she thought of my house or if I had food cooked.  This is rare because I’m always worried about what other people think.  It was just a joy looking forward to seeing her and spending time with her and it was such a special occasion I had to do something to prepare.  It just felt right.

I know I retreat from people all too often and this day has shown me how I isolate myself and how damaging that is.  I didn’t recognize myself – this person who was flitting about the house.  Something yummy was simmering on the stovetop, surfaces were decluttered, flowers arranged . . . It was strange and wonderful.

I know I can’t be like that all the time but it was a nice reprieve from my usual melancholy.  I’m hoping that I can make more connections here and there to try to pull me out of the disconnect that so often engulfs me.  Turns out all the cliches about man not being an island are true.