I have been experiencing derealization on a constant basis for four or more days. I’m getting used to it but it breaks my heart. I want to be here fully and not have to fight so much. My best friend from childhood visited today. We hadn’t seen each other in ten years and it was […]
The numbness is overtaking me and I feel so lost and alone. I am not in a strong place right now . . . I’m alive, I’m functioning (to a point) – I am thankful for this at least. But my stomach is turning with anxiety and my chest is tight with grief because I […]
I haven’t been writing because I’ve been surviving. I wish I could say that I’ve been okay but the reality is that I have been barely getting by. The Ache, the quicksand, the darkness, were about to engulf me. I was frightened. I was scared of myself: scared that I would do the thing that […]
I find myself holding my breath. A lot. I do it so often that it’s no wonder that I can’t think straight sometimes: there’s little oxygen flowing to the brain. Forgetting to breathe is a huge part of my anxiety and being overwhelmed. It exacerbates the feeling of drowning: gasping for air, the weight of […]
I find that the daily struggle to be functional and healthy has perhaps skewed my view of “normal”. I know everyone’s normal takes different forms but it’s discouraging for me when the abnormal becomes normal. It’s “abnormal” to be so detached that your voice sounds like a stranger’s, that the faces of loved ones don’t […]
I’m often self-conscious about how I reveal my struggles (may I say illness?) to other people – even those most close to me. It is so easy for me to be hurt by good intentions, by people trying to help. Usually they end up inadvertently invalidating the severity of my experiences. If they haven’t walked […]
It is a fairly common saying that hard times are valleys and good times are mountains. What’s up with that? I find valleys to be rather pleasant: the ground is even, the weather more mild, no obstacles. Mountains are incredibly hard to surmount and once you are at the top you have to go back […]
Calling the psychiatrist’s office to request an earlier appointment is always an emotional experience for me: I’m anxious and embarrassed and feel like I’m being a bother. I’m embarrassed for implying that I will have a difficult time waiting until my scheduled appointment – that life has gotten to be too much and even though […]
The trouble with mental illness is that when I try to be optimistic and tell myself on a bad day that tomorrow will be better I’m often disappointed. I don’t know why I expect the next day to be better, I suppose it is something that keeps me going: the hope that it will. In […]
I see you. I see you driving away from your house with tears of shame and defeat in your eyes. Feeling hopelessly messed up because you desperately (trying not to sound desperate) texted your neighbor to see if she could watch the kids. You were falling apart and scared: scared by how much energy and […]
Healing The Ache 