The numbness is overtaking me and I feel so lost and alone. I am not in a strong place right now . . . I’m alive, I’m functioning (to a point) – I am thankful for this at least. But my stomach is turning with anxiety and my chest is tight with grief because I just can’t connect. There it is: reality just in front of me but I am cut off. I am doing everything I can to ground myself and nothing is working. I want to give up.
I keep needing help and the more constantly that I need it the more self-conscious I become about asking for it. I feel like a burdensome broken record. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. When my life isn’t on the line I invalidate my need for help.
My hope is barely a flicker right now. I’m scared that I will always have to fight so damn hard just to be here – to be in reality, to be alive, to function.