Pressure Cooker

My husband and I have marriage counseling on Wednesday nights.    Things are not dire between us: we are not on the brink of divorce or fighting all the time, we are just trying to make our marriage more healthy.  It is a lot of work. I can count on one hand the number of […]

on being “ok”

One of my mantras is “it’s OK to not be OK”.  This stems from growing up in a family where I was often told that I didn’t smile enough, that I wasn’t happy enough.  It led me to try present something on the outside that was often far different than my true self. Our culture […]

Slow Progress

Eating has been going better of late but there is much room for improvement.  I’m discouraged because I still have a bi-weekly ritual of emptying the fridge of rotting food.  I’m spending too much on takeout.  I feel stressed and stuck.  It frustrates my husband but he is very kind in trying not to say […]

It’s Time to Eat

I’ve had regular meals since yesterday afternoon.  I don’t have time to fight this shit:  I need to move on.  I’m not going to play the life-sucking game of am I ready to work on it or not, am I worth it or not, do I have the determination or not.  I am not going […]

Brief Reprieve

I have been experiencing derealization on a constant basis for four or more days.  I’m getting used to it but it breaks my heart.  I want to be here fully and not have to fight so much. My best friend from childhood visited today.  We hadn’t seen each other in ten years and it was […]

Honest Confession

The numbness is overtaking me and I feel so lost and alone.  I am not in a strong place right now . . . I’m alive, I’m functioning (to a point) – I am thankful for this at least.  But my stomach is turning with anxiety and my chest is tight with grief because I […]