I recently lost a friend to mental illness. There will be no funeral and I am the only mourner. My grief is hidden in silence. In the blink of an eye I became dead to her and in that instant it is as if she died. She completely removed me and my family from her […]
Some sort of self-regulation may have finally been attained in these past few days and I am hoping against hope that I can continue with it. I actually think I can because so much has happened lately, both positive and heartbreaking, that the intensity has broken me . . . I need a break. Yet […]
I have been savoring this day. I have a clarity of mind and a peace that has been quite elusive lately. I imagine I have had posts like this before but the good stuff bears repeating. I was able to have my youngest child to myself this morning and it has been a joy getting […]
I’m beginning to think that I’m a lost cause. Is there such a thing? Therapies after therapies . . . all sorts of programs and reading and praying and resolutions and meds and interventions all have led me down a path of presumed hope and healing yet I am numb and lost and manic. I’m […]
I created this blog to be honest about how hard this journey is but also to speak hope to myself (and anyone who cared to read) but I feel like a fraud. It is so hard to hope anymore, so hard to see the point in it all, so hard to have one iota of […]
I never thought much about why I chaffed at the word “toolbox” when used in a self-help context: “another tool for your toolbox” such as deep breathing/meditation, journaling, taking a walk, etc. I thought it was cliché and corny. Today I realized a deeper meaning for the dislike: tools are harsh. Sure, tools get the […]
Silence is golden . . . unless you’re drowning. I judge myself and hate myself and harm myself because I believe the lie that it will somehow get me out of the water enough to breathe but it does the exact opposite. Too often I just want to give up. Silence kills. Silence is losing […]
The worst is over yet I am still in anguish. I am alive and my brain has relented. It has lessened it’s destructive intentions just barely enough to give me a shard of hope that I’m not going to die. But I can’t breathe. I am still panicking. The mere act of existing still feels […]
Suicide is not rational – no self-harm is. It’s a hijacking of the brain. I would rather not talk about it. I would prefer to keep this skeleton in the closet, but, unfortunately, if I do I may become a skeleton myself. My therapist once said something that has impacted me: “Its important to talk […]
I can’t do this one more day – it hurts too much. It hurts to try to be OK when I’m drowning. It hurts to put on a brave face when all I want to do is hide. It hurts to keep trying and 99% of the time feel like an abysmal failure. The ache […]
Healing The Ache 