Grounding in Threes

Some sort of self-regulation may have finally been attained in these past few days and I am hoping against hope that I can continue with it. I actually think I can because so much has happened lately, both positive and heartbreaking, that the intensity has broken me . . . I need a break. Yet […]

Savor

I have been savoring this day. I have a clarity of mind and a peace that has been quite elusive lately. I imagine I have had posts like this before but the good stuff bears repeating. I was able to have my youngest child to myself this morning and it has been a joy getting […]

Lost cause

I’m beginning to think that I’m a lost cause. Is there such a thing? Therapies after therapies . . . all sorts of programs and reading and praying and resolutions and meds and interventions all have led me down a path of presumed hope and healing yet I am numb and lost and manic. I’m […]

Fraud

I created this blog to be honest about how hard this journey is but also to speak hope to myself (and anyone who cared to read) but I feel like a fraud. It is so hard to hope anymore, so hard to see the point in it all, so hard to have one iota of […]

Toolbox

I never thought much about why I chaffed at the word “toolbox” when used in a self-help context: “another tool for your toolbox” such as deep breathing/meditation, journaling, taking a walk, etc. I thought it was cliché and corny. Today I realized a deeper meaning for the dislike: tools are harsh. Sure, tools get the […]

Silence

Silence is golden . . . unless you’re drowning. I judge myself and hate myself and harm myself because I believe the lie that it will somehow get me out of the water enough to breathe but it does the exact opposite. Too often I just want to give up. Silence kills. Silence is losing […]

In the Days After

The worst is over yet I am still in anguish.  I am alive and my brain has relented. It has  lessened it’s destructive intentions just barely enough to give me a shard of hope that I’m not going to die.  But I can’t breathe.  I am still panicking.  The mere act of existing still feels […]

Suicide

Suicide is not rational – no self-harm is. It’s a hijacking of the brain. I would rather not talk about it. I would prefer to keep this skeleton in the closet, but, unfortunately, if I do I may become a skeleton myself. My therapist once said something that has impacted me: “Its important to talk […]

No escape

I can’t do this one more day – it hurts too much.  It hurts to try to be OK when I’m drowning.  It hurts to put on a brave face when all I want to do is hide.  It hurts to keep trying and 99% of the time feel like an abysmal failure. The ache […]

Afraid to Dream

A time for new beginnings and fresh starts yet I don’t dare to dream beyond the day.  A lifelong habit: get through today and if that works get through tomorrow.  Some days it’s just “get through this hour, get through this minute”.  Sometimes it’s like that for many days. The tyranny of the urgent pulls […]