History Repeats

I had to go to the hospital again.  Something I had vowed to never repeat.  I was shutting down so much I couldn’t function and I wanted to hurt myself to get out of the fog.  I was trapped, hopeless, alone, and frightened. I’ve been home for a couple of days and I don’t really […]

Homecoming

I was gone for more than two weeks.  I was gone and there seemed to be no way to get me back.  My mind was in a hellish place and the lie that became an obsession was that I shouldn’t be here anymore, that the only solution to save me and others from my pain […]

Yoga

I go to a yoga class every Saturday morning at 8am.  It isn’t easy and it is probably only possible because the studio is five minutes from my house.  I find myself going out of a sense of obligation knowing that it is good for me.  My attitude changes when I get there: relief begins […]

Ghosts of the Past

The ghosts of the past trail me looking for weak moments.  They say that cutting is the only way to get relief . . . They notice me take a long, deep breath of rubbing alcohol fumes that take me back to the days of martinis and blackouts.  How could I long to go back […]

Echo Chamber

My voice is sounding weird to me: like I’m in an echo chamber.  I’ve been isolating and don’t feel like talking to anyone or seeing anyone.  Of course this isn’t possible in everyday life so part of me disconnects and makes me feel separate.  I’m in a weird place where I’m personable and carrying on […]

The Secret Is Out

My four year old has some challenges.  One of the things that helps him transition from one activity to the next is having various objects with him.  They are different from day to day, except his blanket and a worn piece of thick yarn.  Sometimes he sneaks things into his pocket that I’d prefer he […]

Frightening Disconnect

I come in from gardening and my children are there to greet me.  They are my boys and yet I cannot register this.  I cannot register that I am their mother, that I am standing in our kitchen, that I am real, that they are real.  It is a living hell.  They are talking to […]