Peace and Hope

There seems to be no way to gain any perspective lately – the sadness, ache, and fear are overwhelming.  It colors everything.  I know that it is not the whole story but I cannot escape.  I cannot escape and so I hide.  The shame of the sadness drives me into isolation.  I feel broken: unable […]

The Ache

There is a frustrating truth that the longer I ignore the Ache the worse it gets: it feels  shameful and wrong.  I try to operate like it’s not there but it sabotages me in the smallest moments about the smallest things to keep reminding me of it’s existence.  It sees where I am falling short […]

More than Getting By

It took a month after getting home from the hospital to feel like I was doing more than just getting by.  I came back more lost than I was before I left.  I began to wonder if I would ever be fully human again or if I would be a fragmented shell for the rest […]

History Repeats

I had to go to the hospital again.  Something I had vowed to never repeat.  I was shutting down so much I couldn’t function and I wanted to hurt myself to get out of the fog.  I was trapped, hopeless, alone, and frightened. I’ve been home for a couple of days and I don’t really […]

Homecoming

I was gone for more than two weeks.  I was gone and there seemed to be no way to get me back.  My mind was in a hellish place and the lie that became an obsession was that I shouldn’t be here anymore, that the only solution to save me and others from my pain […]

Yoga

I go to a yoga class every Saturday morning at 8am.  It isn’t easy and it is probably only possible because the studio is five minutes from my house.  I find myself going out of a sense of obligation knowing that it is good for me.  My attitude changes when I get there: relief begins […]

Ghosts of the Past

The ghosts of the past trail me looking for weak moments.  They say that cutting is the only way to get relief . . . They notice me take a long, deep breath of rubbing alcohol fumes that take me back to the days of martinis and blackouts.  How could I long to go back […]