In the Days After

The worst is over yet I am still in anguish.  I am alive and my brain has relented. It has  lessened it’s destructive intentions just barely enough to give me a shard of hope that I’m not going to die.  But I can’t breathe.  I am still panicking.  The mere act of existing still feels […]

Suicide

Suicide is not rational – no self-harm is. It’s a hijacking of the brain. I would rather not talk about it. I would prefer to keep this skeleton in the closet, but, unfortunately, if I do I may become a skeleton myself. My therapist once said something that has impacted me: “Its important to talk […]

No escape

I can’t do this one more day – it hurts too much.  It hurts to try to be OK when I’m drowning.  It hurts to put on a brave face when all I want to do is hide.  It hurts to keep trying and 99% of the time feel like an abysmal failure. The ache […]

Afraid to Dream

A time for new beginnings and fresh starts yet I don’t dare to dream beyond the day.  A lifelong habit: get through today and if that works get through tomorrow.  Some days it’s just “get through this hour, get through this minute”.  Sometimes it’s like that for many days. The tyranny of the urgent pulls […]

Relapse

I thought I was done – that the Beast had been slayed and I was the Conqueror.  On the one year anniversary of sobriety from self harm I got it tattooed: the date by the word “Healing”.  I was so confident, so relieved, so PROUD. Pride goes before a fall. I was laying in bed […]

“Sober”

There’s a reason many alcoholics say “I’m an alcoholic”.  Present tense.  Because if you say “I was an alcoholic” you can fool yourself into thinking maybe someday you can drink again.  Be normal.  Many of us avoid alcohol like it’s poison even if it’s been years because we can’t trust that we will ever be […]

Peace and Hope

There seems to be no way to gain any perspective lately – the sadness, ache, and fear are overwhelming.  It colors everything.  I know that it is not the whole story but I cannot escape.  I cannot escape and so I hide.  The shame of the sadness drives me into isolation.  I feel broken: unable […]

The Ache

There is a frustrating truth that the longer I ignore the Ache the worse it gets: it feels  shameful and wrong.  I try to operate like it’s not there but it sabotages me in the smallest moments about the smallest things to keep reminding me of it’s existence.  It sees where I am falling short […]

More than Getting By

It took a month after getting home from the hospital to feel like I was doing more than just getting by.  I came back more lost than I was before I left.  I began to wonder if I would ever be fully human again or if I would be a fragmented shell for the rest […]

History Repeats

I had to go to the hospital again.  Something I had vowed to never repeat.  I was shutting down so much I couldn’t function and I wanted to hurt myself to get out of the fog.  I was trapped, hopeless, alone, and frightened. I’ve been home for a couple of days and I don’t really […]