Honest Confession

The numbness is overtaking me and I feel so lost and alone.  I am not in a strong place right now . . . I’m alive, I’m functioning (to a point) – I am thankful for this at least.  But my stomach is turning with anxiety and my chest is tight with grief because I […]

Oxygen Isn’t Optional

I find myself holding my breath.  A lot.  I do it so often that it’s no wonder that I can’t think straight sometimes: there’s little oxygen flowing to the brain. Forgetting to breathe is a huge part of my anxiety and being overwhelmed.  It exacerbates the feeling of drowning: gasping for air, the weight of […]

The White Flag and the Lifeline

Calling the psychiatrist’s office to request an earlier appointment is always an emotional experience for me: I’m anxious and embarrassed and feel like I’m being a bother.  I’m embarrassed for implying that I will have a difficult time waiting until my scheduled appointment – that life has gotten to be too much and even though […]

Tomorrow will be better

The trouble with mental illness is that when I try to be optimistic and tell myself on a bad day that tomorrow will be better I’m often disappointed.  I don’t know why I expect the next day to be better, I suppose it is something that keeps me going: the hope that it will.  In […]

Letter to Myself

I see you.  I see you driving away from your house with tears of shame and defeat in your eyes.  Feeling hopelessly messed up because you desperately (trying not to sound desperate) texted your neighbor to see if she could watch the kids.  You were falling apart and scared: scared by how much energy and […]

Mondays

Last night on Facebook a friend posted a GIF of a woman pouring a huge glass of whiskey in lament that Monday was soon upon her.  I was entertained at first but then my heart sank.  Seeing that Jack Daniels so liberally served to drown her distress hit a nerve.  I know it was supposed […]