Ghosts of the Past

The ghosts of the past trail me looking for weak moments.  They say that cutting is the only way to get relief . . . They notice me take a long, deep breath of rubbing alcohol fumes that take me back to the days of martinis and blackouts.  How could I long to go back […]

Echo Chamber

My voice is sounding weird to me: like I’m in an echo chamber.  I’ve been isolating and don’t feel like talking to anyone or seeing anyone.  Of course this isn’t possible in everyday life so part of me disconnects and makes me feel separate.  I’m in a weird place where I’m personable and carrying on […]

Frightening Disconnect

I come in from gardening and my children are there to greet me.  They are my boys and yet I cannot register this.  I cannot register that I am their mother, that I am standing in our kitchen, that I am real, that they are real.  It is a living hell.  They are talking to […]

The Fog

“Derealization (sometimes abbreviated as DR) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one’s environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring, and depth.  It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions. Derealization is a subjective experience of unreality of the outside […]

Pressure Cooker

My husband and I have marriage counseling on Wednesday nights.    Things are not dire between us: we are not on the brink of divorce or fighting all the time, we are just trying to make our marriage more healthy.  It is a lot of work. I can count on one hand the number of […]

Honest Confession

The numbness is overtaking me and I feel so lost and alone.  I am not in a strong place right now . . . I’m alive, I’m functioning (to a point) – I am thankful for this at least.  But my stomach is turning with anxiety and my chest is tight with grief because I […]

Normal

I find that the daily struggle to be functional and healthy has perhaps skewed my view of “normal”.  I know everyone’s normal takes different forms but it’s discouraging for me when the abnormal becomes normal.  It’s “abnormal” to be so detached that your voice sounds like a stranger’s, that the faces of loved ones don’t […]