The ghosts of the past trail me looking for weak moments. They say that cutting is the only way to get relief . . . They notice me take a long, deep breath of rubbing alcohol fumes that take me back to the days of martinis and blackouts. How could I long to go back […]
My voice is sounding weird to me: like I’m in an echo chamber. I’ve been isolating and don’t feel like talking to anyone or seeing anyone. Of course this isn’t possible in everyday life so part of me disconnects and makes me feel separate. I’m in a weird place where I’m personable and carrying on […]
I come in from gardening and my children are there to greet me. They are my boys and yet I cannot register this. I cannot register that I am their mother, that I am standing in our kitchen, that I am real, that they are real. It is a living hell. They are talking to […]
“Derealization (sometimes abbreviated as DR) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one’s environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring, and depth. It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions. Derealization is a subjective experience of unreality of the outside […]
My husband and I have marriage counseling on Wednesday nights. Things are not dire between us: we are not on the brink of divorce or fighting all the time, we are just trying to make our marriage more healthy. It is a lot of work. I can count on one hand the number of […]
The numbness is overtaking me and I feel so lost and alone. I am not in a strong place right now . . . I’m alive, I’m functioning (to a point) – I am thankful for this at least. But my stomach is turning with anxiety and my chest is tight with grief because I […]
I find that the daily struggle to be functional and healthy has perhaps skewed my view of “normal”. I know everyone’s normal takes different forms but it’s discouraging for me when the abnormal becomes normal. It’s “abnormal” to be so detached that your voice sounds like a stranger’s, that the faces of loved ones don’t […]
The trouble with mental illness is that when I try to be optimistic and tell myself on a bad day that tomorrow will be better I’m often disappointed. I don’t know why I expect the next day to be better, I suppose it is something that keeps me going: the hope that it will. In […]
Last night on Facebook a friend posted a GIF of a woman pouring a huge glass of whiskey in lament that Monday was soon upon her. I was entertained at first but then my heart sank. Seeing that Jack Daniels so liberally served to drown her distress hit a nerve. I know it was supposed […]
I’m so numb today that I can barely function. Unfortunately, lying down on the couch and staring out the window all day is not an option. There is no cause, no catalyst – just numbness. I’m in a fog and nothing seems real. I forget what I’m doing when I’m in the middle of it […]
Healing The Ache 