The Ache

There is a frustrating truth that the longer I ignore the Ache the worse it gets: it feels  shameful and wrong.  I try to operate like it’s not there but it sabotages me in the smallest moments about the smallest things to keep reminding me of it’s existence.  It sees where I am falling short […]

Yoga

I go to a yoga class every Saturday morning at 8am.  It isn’t easy and it is probably only possible because the studio is five minutes from my house.  I find myself going out of a sense of obligation knowing that it is good for me.  My attitude changes when I get there: relief begins […]

Ghosts of the Past

The ghosts of the past trail me looking for weak moments.  They say that cutting is the only way to get relief . . . They notice me take a long, deep breath of rubbing alcohol fumes that take me back to the days of martinis and blackouts.  How could I long to go back […]

The Fog

“Derealization (sometimes abbreviated as DR) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one’s environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring, and depth.  It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions. Derealization is a subjective experience of unreality of the outside […]

Grief

It comes crashing in on my already aching heart My fragmented mind fractures further A fog comes over me and nothing seems real Anger suppressed I’m going to explode Instead I shut down Tears flow anytime I speak Tell of the loss I hide Disappear into silence Isolate Leave me alone Nothing will alleviate This […]

Dark Night of the Soul

I’m emerging from yet another “dark night of the soul”.  Or, rather, a dark week of the soul.  My body and mind shut down and I felt like I was losing a battle.  It was the most frightened I have been for my well-being in a long time.  I was somebody else – an empty […]

The Bridge and the Chasm

Not an easy month: two weeks ago an overwhelming darkness threatened to consume me. Running through my mind over and over were thoughts of how to end my life. The thoughts were in an endless loop and they came suddenly, without a trigger. I was completely blindsided. They came during a sweet, peaceful time that […]

Pressure Cooker

My husband and I have marriage counseling on Wednesday nights.    Things are not dire between us: we are not on the brink of divorce or fighting all the time, we are just trying to make our marriage more healthy.  It is a lot of work. I can count on one hand the number of […]

When Others Don’t “Get It”

I’m often self-conscious about how I reveal my struggles (may I say illness?) to other people – even those most close to me.  It is so easy for me to be hurt by good intentions, by people trying to help.  Usually they end up inadvertently invalidating the severity of my experiences.  If they haven’t walked […]