I have been savoring this day. I have a clarity of mind and a peace that has been quite elusive lately. I imagine I have had posts like this before but the good stuff bears repeating. I was able to have my youngest child to myself this morning and it has been a joy getting […]
There is a frustrating truth that the longer I ignore the Ache the worse it gets: it feels shameful and wrong. I try to operate like it’s not there but it sabotages me in the smallest moments about the smallest things to keep reminding me of it’s existence. It sees where I am falling short […]
I go to a yoga class every Saturday morning at 8am. It isn’t easy and it is probably only possible because the studio is five minutes from my house. I find myself going out of a sense of obligation knowing that it is good for me. My attitude changes when I get there: relief begins […]
The ghosts of the past trail me looking for weak moments. They say that cutting is the only way to get relief . . . They notice me take a long, deep breath of rubbing alcohol fumes that take me back to the days of martinis and blackouts. How could I long to go back […]
“Derealization (sometimes abbreviated as DR) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one’s environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring, and depth. It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions. Derealization is a subjective experience of unreality of the outside […]
It comes crashing in on my already aching heart My fragmented mind fractures further A fog comes over me and nothing seems real Anger suppressed I’m going to explode Instead I shut down Tears flow anytime I speak Tell of the loss I hide Disappear into silence Isolate Leave me alone Nothing will alleviate This […]
I’m emerging from yet another “dark night of the soul”. Or, rather, a dark week of the soul. My body and mind shut down and I felt like I was losing a battle. It was the most frightened I have been for my well-being in a long time. I was somebody else – an empty […]
Not an easy month: two weeks ago an overwhelming darkness threatened to consume me. Running through my mind over and over were thoughts of how to end my life. The thoughts were in an endless loop and they came suddenly, without a trigger. I was completely blindsided. They came during a sweet, peaceful time that […]
My husband and I have marriage counseling on Wednesday nights. Things are not dire between us: we are not on the brink of divorce or fighting all the time, we are just trying to make our marriage more healthy. It is a lot of work. I can count on one hand the number of […]
I haven’t been writing because I’ve been surviving. I wish I could say that I’ve been okay but the reality is that I have been barely getting by. The Ache, the quicksand, the darkness, were about to engulf me. I was frightened. I was scared of myself: scared that I would do the thing that […]
Healing The Ache 