Savor

I have been savoring this day. I have a clarity of mind and a peace that has been quite elusive lately. I imagine I have had posts like this before but the good stuff bears repeating. I was able to have my youngest child to myself this morning and it has been a joy getting to know her. I’ve been able to think more clearly (without getting confused or numb or angry) and be somewhat productive around the house. It has been an enormous relief to make our space more livable. A house that is dirty and cluttered with no clean linens and no clean clothes and rotting food in the fridge and a sink full of dirty dishes is a physical and emotional drain. Life is already hard without these extra hurdles.

My life is anything but “normal”. Families with special needs children (of which I have one) have a situation in which no small detail or task of life is easy or automatic or routine. A boy with the impulse control of a two year old and the body of a seven year old creates unique challenges every moment he’s home; so many breakables thrown in anger, so many countless blows to younger siblings and parents, so much uncertainty and physical and emotional pain . . . always on edge, always on alert. Something I vaguely remember writing about before. It’s hard not to repeat since it is such an enormous contribution to my mental health struggles. I feel so much shame and guilt when I have difficulty loving him. I feel shame for always being afraid and angry. I am weary from being on constant alert. I am ashamed for struggling to find anything positive about him.

Many days I want to hurt myself in desperation and shame yet today self-harm seemed so far away and impractical. I am actually going to care for my wounds tonight. Today I am treating myself like a human being for the first time in a long time.

The relative inner peace of this day comes as a surprise because I barely slept due to grief over an unexpected loss. Sleeplessness is one of my worst enemies.

Today I found joy in each of my kids. Today I was able to treat myself like a human who needs care. I was able to be kind to myself and take things mostly in stride. I did not blow up or fall apart too much.

I am weary and exhausted and sad but today I have experienced a hope that I have not had in a very, very long time.

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