Fraud

I created this blog to be honest about how hard this journey is but also to speak hope to myself (and anyone who cared to read) but I feel like a fraud. It is so hard to hope anymore, so hard to see the point in it all, so hard to have one iota of motivation to keep trying to put one foot in front of the other. I’ve come to a place where I look back at all the years of doing what I can to diminish the weight of this pain and I’m at a dead end.

I fear being dramatic so I try to keep calm. I fear telling the truth to even people I most trust because it has recently brought on so much pain. I can’t think straight anymore. Lately it seems that if I tell the truth about what’s going on inside of my head I get a severe response . . . an insistence that I go to a higher level of care, perhaps even hints that I’m not doing my part.

Guilt floods me. I don’t understand why I’m not keeping my side of the bargain. All of these people are helping me and loving me and caring for me and I’m just here trying to exist. You need to “work the program”, trust the professionals, use your coping skills, stop doing unhealthy things, prioritize self care, feel worthy – a task list that weighs on me. “Take it one thing at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time.” Meditate, pray, read uplifting things, listen to music, do a hobby, call a friend – the list goes on. I’m here telling myself that I’m not trying hard enough. There is no evidence that the therapists can see that I’m actually trying. Two friends say that I am but what do they know? My actions would probably say otherwise. I’m at war with myself but it’s a quiet war – a game of chess. Which side will win?

I’m in a dense, dangerous fog; hopelessness and the urge to disappear have hijacked my brain and even though I rationally know it is most likely temporary I’m not so sure anymore. They say you need to work to go from survival to thriving. Am I working toward that? I don’t know. Do I want attention? Hell no. Have I given up? Probably. Is it an illness or a flaw? I don’t know.

The professionals say there’s always a choice. So I guess I’m choosing to give up and just exist as best as I can. The problem is that it doesn’t seem like a choice. I think I’ve been trying pretty damned hard but I also think that the people in charge may not see that. They may see a stubborn, irrational, immature person sitting in front of them that is either making too big a deal out of how she feels or not taking it seriously enough.

I am not doing enough but perhaps I am doing all that I can. I just don’t know anymore. My heart is breaking.

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