Fraud

I created this blog to be honest about how hard this journey is but also to speak hope to myself (and anyone who cared to read) but I feel like a fraud. It is so hard to hope anymore, so hard to see the point in it all, so hard to have one iota of […]

Dark Night of the Soul

I’m emerging from yet another “dark night of the soul”.  Or, rather, a dark week of the soul.  My body and mind shut down and I felt like I was losing a battle.  It was the most frightened I have been for my well-being in a long time.  I was somebody else – an empty […]

Confession

Confession: I have been down on myself and overwhelmed lately. I feel like I have no business even talking about it because I have not been trying very hard at self-care. It’s like I have to earn the right to admit that I am – once again – overwhelmed and lonely. Everything from taking my […]

The Pendulum

They say life has ups and downs.  This makes sense.  I get so discouraged, though, when life seems like a pendulum.  It is swinging back and forth: sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly.  I had a week of being frightened, scared to be alone, being on the edge of a chasm that threatened to swallow me […]

The Bridge and the Chasm

Not an easy month: two weeks ago an overwhelming darkness threatened to consume me. Running through my mind over and over were thoughts of how to end my life. The thoughts were in an endless loop and they came suddenly, without a trigger. I was completely blindsided. They came during a sweet, peaceful time that […]

Pressure Cooker

My husband and I have marriage counseling on Wednesday nights.    Things are not dire between us: we are not on the brink of divorce or fighting all the time, we are just trying to make our marriage more healthy.  It is a lot of work. I can count on one hand the number of […]

Honest Confession

The numbness is overtaking me and I feel so lost and alone.  I am not in a strong place right now . . . I’m alive, I’m functioning (to a point) – I am thankful for this at least.  But my stomach is turning with anxiety and my chest is tight with grief because I […]