I can’t do this one more day – it hurts too much. It hurts to try to be OK when I’m drowning. It hurts to put on a brave face when all I want to do is hide. It hurts to keep trying and 99% of the time feel like an abysmal failure. The ache […]
There seems to be no way to gain any perspective lately – the sadness, ache, and fear are overwhelming. It colors everything. I know that it is not the whole story but I cannot escape. I cannot escape and so I hide. The shame of the sadness drives me into isolation. I feel broken: unable […]
There is a frustrating truth that the longer I ignore the Ache the worse it gets: it feels shameful and wrong. I try to operate like it’s not there but it sabotages me in the smallest moments about the smallest things to keep reminding me of it’s existence. It sees where I am falling short […]
I was gone for more than two weeks. I was gone and there seemed to be no way to get me back. My mind was in a hellish place and the lie that became an obsession was that I shouldn’t be here anymore, that the only solution to save me and others from my pain […]
The ghosts of the past trail me looking for weak moments. They say that cutting is the only way to get relief . . . They notice me take a long, deep breath of rubbing alcohol fumes that take me back to the days of martinis and blackouts. How could I long to go back […]
I come in from gardening and my children are there to greet me. They are my boys and yet I cannot register this. I cannot register that I am their mother, that I am standing in our kitchen, that I am real, that they are real. It is a living hell. They are talking to […]
“Derealization (sometimes abbreviated as DR) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one’s environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring, and depth. It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions. Derealization is a subjective experience of unreality of the outside […]
It comes crashing in on my already aching heart My fragmented mind fractures further A fog comes over me and nothing seems real Anger suppressed I’m going to explode Instead I shut down Tears flow anytime I speak Tell of the loss I hide Disappear into silence Isolate Leave me alone Nothing will alleviate This […]
I’m emerging from yet another “dark night of the soul”. Or, rather, a dark week of the soul. My body and mind shut down and I felt like I was losing a battle. It was the most frightened I have been for my well-being in a long time. I was somebody else – an empty […]
A year ago I was sinking in the quicksand of self harm. I was cutting every day, multiple times a day. I couldn’t stop. Around the turn of the year I sat on the kitchen floor after I had gotten the kids in bed and just . . . . tore at myself. I barely […]
Healing The Ache 