There seems to be no way to gain any perspective lately – the sadness, ache, and fear are overwhelming. It colors everything. I know that it is not the whole story but I cannot escape. I cannot escape and so I hide. The shame of the sadness drives me into isolation. I feel broken: unable to experience joy. It makes me avoid people because I don’t want to be a person who takes too much energy from others, who always has a dark cloud above.
Life is so constant and I am very weary. Very alone and weary.
The overwhelming sadness and anxiety creates a perfect storm of derealization. My mind can’t handle reality and so it takes out the feeling of things being real. I am constantly grasping for equilibrium and rarely finding it. It is a very lost feeling.
I have the words “Peace” and “Hope” tattooed on my arm. It is beautiful. Sometimes it haunts me because peace and hope seem so elusive yet I know in my spirit that they are a reality. I know that even though I’m lost in a storm where there is no peace or shutting down from loss of hope that all is not lost. But, oh, sometimes I wish I didn’t have to rely on faith so much. I wish peace wasn’t so far out of reach.