Peace and Hope

There seems to be no way to gain any perspective lately – the sadness, ache, and fear are overwhelming.  It colors everything.  I know that it is not the whole story but I cannot escape.  I cannot escape and so I hide.  The shame of the sadness drives me into isolation.  I feel broken: unable to experience joy.  It makes me avoid people because I don’t want to be a person who takes too much energy from others, who always has a dark cloud above.

Life is so constant and I am very weary.  Very alone and weary.

The overwhelming sadness and anxiety creates a perfect storm of derealization.  My mind can’t handle reality and so it takes out the feeling of things being real.  I am constantly grasping for equilibrium and rarely finding it.  It is a very lost feeling.

I have the words “Peace” and “Hope” tattooed on my arm.  It is beautiful.  Sometimes it haunts me because peace and hope seem so elusive yet I know in my spirit that they are a reality.  I know that even though I’m lost in a storm where there is no peace or shutting down from loss of hope that all is not lost.  But, oh, sometimes I wish I didn’t have to rely on faith so much.  I wish peace wasn’t so far out of reach.

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