A year ago I was sinking in the quicksand of self harm. I was cutting every day, multiple times a day. I couldn’t stop. Around the turn of the year I sat on the kitchen floor after I had gotten the kids in bed and just . . . . tore at myself. I barely felt anything. I was scared because I thought I should just drive my car someplace and cut until it was all over.
The new year had no hope for me. I was lost and spiraling to a place of no return.
There’s a book called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. It has been a true game-changer for me. The gyst is that our body retains and relives past trauma, even out of the realm of our consciousness – especially out of the realm of our consciousness. Our bodies have a mind of their own. I hadn’t been completely aware that every year at this time that a truly terrible anniversary occurred: an anniversary of the most trauma my body and mind had encountered. No wonder I seemed to fall apart every year around the same time.
I am definitely more stable this year – thank God. If I was in the same place as I was last year I would not be able to withstand unforeseen storms that have recently hit me like a tornado. Things outside of myself: illness and brokenness and uncertainty with loved ones.
There is more hope for this year. I am exhausted and overwhelmed with continuing struggles and the everyday responsibilities of life yet all I have to do is look back to where I was a year ago and rest in the fact that I have come so far.
Be kind to yourself this month. If you are making resolutions or have wishes for the new year be realistic about what you can and will change. I am on your side. I have hope for you . You are not alone.