Some sort of self-regulation may have finally been attained in these past few days and I am hoping against hope that I can continue with it. I actually think I can because so much has happened lately, both positive and heartbreaking, that the intensity has broken me . . . I need a break. Yet […]
I never thought much about why I chaffed at the word “toolbox” when used in a self-help context: “another tool for your toolbox” such as deep breathing/meditation, journaling, taking a walk, etc. I thought it was cliché and corny. Today I realized a deeper meaning for the dislike: tools are harsh. Sure, tools get the […]
The worst is over yet I am still in anguish. I am alive and my brain has relented. It has lessened it’s destructive intentions just barely enough to give me a shard of hope that I’m not going to die. But I can’t breathe. I am still panicking. The mere act of existing still feels […]
A time for new beginnings and fresh starts yet I don’t dare to dream beyond the day. A lifelong habit: get through today and if that works get through tomorrow. Some days it’s just “get through this hour, get through this minute”. Sometimes it’s like that for many days. The tyranny of the urgent pulls […]
There’s a reason many alcoholics say “I’m an alcoholic”. Present tense. Because if you say “I was an alcoholic” you can fool yourself into thinking maybe someday you can drink again. Be normal. Many of us avoid alcohol like it’s poison even if it’s been years because we can’t trust that we will ever be […]
There seems to be no way to gain any perspective lately – the sadness, ache, and fear are overwhelming. It colors everything. I know that it is not the whole story but I cannot escape. I cannot escape and so I hide. The shame of the sadness drives me into isolation. I feel broken: unable […]
There is a frustrating truth that the longer I ignore the Ache the worse it gets: it feels shameful and wrong. I try to operate like it’s not there but it sabotages me in the smallest moments about the smallest things to keep reminding me of it’s existence. It sees where I am falling short […]
It took a month after getting home from the hospital to feel like I was doing more than just getting by. I came back more lost than I was before I left. I began to wonder if I would ever be fully human again or if I would be a fragmented shell for the rest […]
I was gone for more than two weeks. I was gone and there seemed to be no way to get me back. My mind was in a hellish place and the lie that became an obsession was that I shouldn’t be here anymore, that the only solution to save me and others from my pain […]
I go to a yoga class every Saturday morning at 8am. It isn’t easy and it is probably only possible because the studio is five minutes from my house. I find myself going out of a sense of obligation knowing that it is good for me. My attitude changes when I get there: relief begins […]
Healing The Ache 