The worst is over yet I am still in anguish. I am alive and my brain has relented. It has lessened it’s destructive intentions just barely enough to give me a shard of hope that I’m not going to die. But I can’t breathe. I am still panicking. The mere act of existing still feels like an impossible burden yet there is a belief (however slight) that it may become more possible over time – a belief that was dangerously absent just a few days ago.
I am in physical pain: my muscles are sore and it hurts to move. My chest is so constricted it is difficult to breathe. I am physically beaten by a mental battle: my joints and my heart and my muscles feel like I have a physical disease, not a mental one. My brain and body can’t handle all of this at once and the system is shutting down – my mind goes blank and my body numbs. How can I re-calibrate? How can I convince my body and mind to be here among the living? I don’t know.
I guess I don’t need to know right now. Even though my whole system is warring against me there is still a being that is “me”. No matter how I feel right now I acknowledge that I still exist and that I am much safer than I was a few days ago. For now that will have to be enough.