In the Days After

The worst is over yet I am still in anguish.  I am alive and my brain has relented. It has  lessened it’s destructive intentions just barely enough to give me a shard of hope that I’m not going to die.  But I can’t breathe.  I am still panicking.  The mere act of existing still feels like an impossible burden yet there is a belief (however slight) that it may become more possible over time – a belief that was dangerously absent just a few days ago.

I am in physical pain: my muscles are sore and it hurts to move.  My chest is so constricted it is difficult to breathe.  I am physically beaten by a mental battle: my joints and my heart and my muscles feel like I have a physical disease, not a mental one.  My brain and body can’t handle all of this at once and the system is shutting down – my mind goes blank and my body numbs.  How can I re-calibrate?  How can I convince my body and mind to be here among the living?  I don’t know.

I guess I don’t need to know right now.  Even though my whole system is warring against me there is still a being that is “me”.  No matter how I feel right now I acknowledge that I still exist and that I am much safer than I was a few days ago.  For now that will have to be enough.

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