There seems to be no way to gain any perspective lately – the sadness, ache, and fear are overwhelming. It colors everything. I know that it is not the whole story but I cannot escape. I cannot escape and so I hide. The shame of the sadness drives me into isolation. I feel broken: unable […]
There is a frustrating truth that the longer I ignore the Ache the worse it gets: it feels shameful and wrong. I try to operate like it’s not there but it sabotages me in the smallest moments about the smallest things to keep reminding me of it’s existence. It sees where I am falling short […]
I had to go to the hospital again. Something I had vowed to never repeat. I was shutting down so much I couldn’t function and I wanted to hurt myself to get out of the fog. I was trapped, hopeless, alone, and frightened. I’ve been home for a couple of days and I don’t really […]
The ghosts of the past trail me looking for weak moments. They say that cutting is the only way to get relief . . . They notice me take a long, deep breath of rubbing alcohol fumes that take me back to the days of martinis and blackouts. How could I long to go back […]
I come in from gardening and my children are there to greet me. They are my boys and yet I cannot register this. I cannot register that I am their mother, that I am standing in our kitchen, that I am real, that they are real. It is a living hell. They are talking to […]
“Derealization (sometimes abbreviated as DR) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one’s environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring, and depth. It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions. Derealization is a subjective experience of unreality of the outside […]
I’m emerging from yet another “dark night of the soul”. Or, rather, a dark week of the soul. My body and mind shut down and I felt like I was losing a battle. It was the most frightened I have been for my well-being in a long time. I was somebody else – an empty […]
Confession: I have been down on myself and overwhelmed lately. I feel like I have no business even talking about it because I have not been trying very hard at self-care. It’s like I have to earn the right to admit that I am – once again – overwhelmed and lonely. Everything from taking my […]
Healing The Ache 