I had to go to the hospital again. Something I had vowed to never repeat. I was shutting down so much I couldn’t function and I wanted to hurt myself to get out of the fog. I was trapped, hopeless, alone, and frightened.
I’ve been home for a couple of days and I don’t really feel much different than when I went in. I am scared and feel so alone. Reality is elusive and when it is not eluding me it is crashing in on me in oppressive waves.
The shame is the worst part of it. The overwhelming shame of having to go have a “time out”, to be locked up and secluded. The shame of not being able to handle life so, therefore, having to be removed from it. Not being able to take care of myself or my kids and disappearing from their life.
Failure. Shame and fear engulf me and say that I’m a failure. And I’m home and still in a fog wondering – what next? What’s next in this journey? I want to get better, not just get by. Right now I don’t really know what that looks like.