“Sober”

There’s a reason many alcoholics say “I’m an alcoholic”.  Present tense.  Because if you say “I was an alcoholic” you can fool yourself into thinking maybe someday you can drink again.  Be normal.  Many of us avoid alcohol like it’s poison even if it’s been years because we can’t trust that we will ever be […]

History Repeats

I had to go to the hospital again.  Something I had vowed to never repeat.  I was shutting down so much I couldn’t function and I wanted to hurt myself to get out of the fog.  I was trapped, hopeless, alone, and frightened. I’ve been home for a couple of days and I don’t really […]

Ghosts of the Past

The ghosts of the past trail me looking for weak moments.  They say that cutting is the only way to get relief . . . They notice me take a long, deep breath of rubbing alcohol fumes that take me back to the days of martinis and blackouts.  How could I long to go back […]

Echo Chamber

My voice is sounding weird to me: like I’m in an echo chamber.  I’ve been isolating and don’t feel like talking to anyone or seeing anyone.  Of course this isn’t possible in everyday life so part of me disconnects and makes me feel separate.  I’m in a weird place where I’m personable and carrying on […]

Frightening Disconnect

I come in from gardening and my children are there to greet me.  They are my boys and yet I cannot register this.  I cannot register that I am their mother, that I am standing in our kitchen, that I am real, that they are real.  It is a living hell.  They are talking to […]

The Fog

“Derealization (sometimes abbreviated as DR) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one’s environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring, and depth.  It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions. Derealization is a subjective experience of unreality of the outside […]

Last Resort

Today marks the anniversary of an experience I never wish to repeat.  The earth was in full mode of Spring: beautiful pink blossoms on my tree out back, flowers gorgeously blooming, grass picturesquely green.  The beauty seemed to mock the inner storm in which I was caught: I was barely functioning.  I lay under the […]