I have been savoring this day. I have a clarity of mind and a peace that has been quite elusive lately. I imagine I have had posts like this before but the good stuff bears repeating. I was able to have my youngest child to myself this morning and it has been a joy getting […]
I never thought much about why I chaffed at the word “toolbox” when used in a self-help context: “another tool for your toolbox” such as deep breathing/meditation, journaling, taking a walk, etc. I thought it was cliché and corny. Today I realized a deeper meaning for the dislike: tools are harsh. Sure, tools get the […]
Suicide is not rational – no self-harm is. It’s a hijacking of the brain. I would rather not talk about it. I would prefer to keep this skeleton in the closet, but, unfortunately, if I do I may become a skeleton myself. My therapist once said something that has impacted me: “Its important to talk […]
I can’t do this one more day – it hurts too much. It hurts to try to be OK when I’m drowning. It hurts to put on a brave face when all I want to do is hide. It hurts to keep trying and 99% of the time feel like an abysmal failure. The ache […]
There’s a reason many alcoholics say “I’m an alcoholic”. Present tense. Because if you say “I was an alcoholic” you can fool yourself into thinking maybe someday you can drink again. Be normal. Many of us avoid alcohol like it’s poison even if it’s been years because we can’t trust that we will ever be […]
I had to go to the hospital again. Something I had vowed to never repeat. I was shutting down so much I couldn’t function and I wanted to hurt myself to get out of the fog. I was trapped, hopeless, alone, and frightened. I’ve been home for a couple of days and I don’t really […]
The ghosts of the past trail me looking for weak moments. They say that cutting is the only way to get relief . . . They notice me take a long, deep breath of rubbing alcohol fumes that take me back to the days of martinis and blackouts. How could I long to go back […]
My voice is sounding weird to me: like I’m in an echo chamber. I’ve been isolating and don’t feel like talking to anyone or seeing anyone. Of course this isn’t possible in everyday life so part of me disconnects and makes me feel separate. I’m in a weird place where I’m personable and carrying on […]
I come in from gardening and my children are there to greet me. They are my boys and yet I cannot register this. I cannot register that I am their mother, that I am standing in our kitchen, that I am real, that they are real. It is a living hell. They are talking to […]
“Derealization (sometimes abbreviated as DR) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one’s environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring, and depth. It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions. Derealization is a subjective experience of unreality of the outside […]
Healing The Ache 