Triggers and Hope

I used to think that triggers were woven into the fabric of my life: evidence of permanent brokenness.  I lived in constant fear of triggers.  I tried to go to support groups but it was too difficult.  I feared what was on TV and in books and the news.  The slightest thing would debilitate me: […]

Hope for the Year

A year ago I was sinking in the quicksand of self harm.  I was cutting every day, multiple times a day.  I couldn’t stop.  Around the turn of the year I sat on the kitchen floor after I had gotten the kids in bed and just . . . . tore at myself.  I barely […]

The Pendulum

They say life has ups and downs.  This makes sense.  I get so discouraged, though, when life seems like a pendulum.  It is swinging back and forth: sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly.  I had a week of being frightened, scared to be alone, being on the edge of a chasm that threatened to swallow me […]

on being “ok”

One of my mantras is “it’s OK to not be OK”.  This stems from growing up in a family where I was often told that I didn’t smile enough, that I wasn’t happy enough.  It led me to try present something on the outside that was often far different than my true self. Our culture […]

Brief Reprieve

I have been experiencing derealization on a constant basis for four or more days.  I’m getting used to it but it breaks my heart.  I want to be here fully and not have to fight so much. My best friend from childhood visited today.  We hadn’t seen each other in ten years and it was […]

Tomorrow will be better

The trouble with mental illness is that when I try to be optimistic and tell myself on a bad day that tomorrow will be better I’m often disappointed.  I don’t know why I expect the next day to be better, I suppose it is something that keeps me going: the hope that it will.  In […]