I have been savoring this day. I have a clarity of mind and a peace that has been quite elusive lately. I imagine I have had posts like this before but the good stuff bears repeating. I was able to have my youngest child to myself this morning and it has been a joy getting […]
Suicide is not rational – no self-harm is. It’s a hijacking of the brain. I would rather not talk about it. I would prefer to keep this skeleton in the closet, but, unfortunately, if I do I may become a skeleton myself. My therapist once said something that has impacted me: “Its important to talk […]
I can’t do this one more day – it hurts too much. It hurts to try to be OK when I’m drowning. It hurts to put on a brave face when all I want to do is hide. It hurts to keep trying and 99% of the time feel like an abysmal failure. The ache […]
I thought I was done – that the Beast had been slayed and I was the Conqueror. On the one year anniversary of sobriety from self harm I got it tattooed: the date by the word “Healing”. I was so confident, so relieved, so PROUD. Pride goes before a fall. I was laying in bed […]
There’s a reason many alcoholics say “I’m an alcoholic”. Present tense. Because if you say “I was an alcoholic” you can fool yourself into thinking maybe someday you can drink again. Be normal. Many of us avoid alcohol like it’s poison even if it’s been years because we can’t trust that we will ever be […]
The ghosts of the past trail me looking for weak moments. They say that cutting is the only way to get relief . . . They notice me take a long, deep breath of rubbing alcohol fumes that take me back to the days of martinis and blackouts. How could I long to go back […]
Today marks the anniversary of an experience I never wish to repeat. The earth was in full mode of Spring: beautiful pink blossoms on my tree out back, flowers gorgeously blooming, grass picturesquely green. The beauty seemed to mock the inner storm in which I was caught: I was barely functioning. I lay under the […]
I’m emerging from yet another “dark night of the soul”. Or, rather, a dark week of the soul. My body and mind shut down and I felt like I was losing a battle. It was the most frightened I have been for my well-being in a long time. I was somebody else – an empty […]
Slave Hurt by another
A year ago I was sinking in the quicksand of self harm. I was cutting every day, multiple times a day. I couldn’t stop. Around the turn of the year I sat on the kitchen floor after I had gotten the kids in bed and just . . . . tore at myself. I barely […]
Healing The Ache 