“Sober”

There’s a reason many alcoholics say “I’m an alcoholic”.  Present tense.  Because if you say “I was an alcoholic” you can fool yourself into thinking maybe someday you can drink again.  Be normal.  Many of us avoid alcohol like it’s poison even if it’s been years because we can’t trust that we will ever be […]

Ghosts of the Past

The ghosts of the past trail me looking for weak moments.  They say that cutting is the only way to get relief . . . They notice me take a long, deep breath of rubbing alcohol fumes that take me back to the days of martinis and blackouts.  How could I long to go back […]

Last Resort

Today marks the anniversary of an experience I never wish to repeat.  The earth was in full mode of Spring: beautiful pink blossoms on my tree out back, flowers gorgeously blooming, grass picturesquely green.  The beauty seemed to mock the inner storm in which I was caught: I was barely functioning.  I lay under the […]

Dark Night of the Soul

I’m emerging from yet another “dark night of the soul”.  Or, rather, a dark week of the soul.  My body and mind shut down and I felt like I was losing a battle.  It was the most frightened I have been for my well-being in a long time.  I was somebody else – an empty […]

Hope for the Year

A year ago I was sinking in the quicksand of self harm.  I was cutting every day, multiple times a day.  I couldn’t stop.  Around the turn of the year I sat on the kitchen floor after I had gotten the kids in bed and just . . . . tore at myself.  I barely […]

Slow Progress

Eating has been going better of late but there is much room for improvement.  I’m discouraged because I still have a bi-weekly ritual of emptying the fridge of rotting food.  I’m spending too much on takeout.  I feel stressed and stuck.  It frustrates my husband but he is very kind in trying not to say […]