Brief Reprieve

I have been experiencing derealization on a constant basis for four or more days.  I’m getting used to it but it breaks my heart.  I want to be here fully and not have to fight so much. My best friend from childhood visited today.  We hadn’t seen each other in ten years and it was […]

Honest Confession

The numbness is overtaking me and I feel so lost and alone.  I am not in a strong place right now . . . I’m alive, I’m functioning (to a point) – I am thankful for this at least.  But my stomach is turning with anxiety and my chest is tight with grief because I […]

Oxygen Isn’t Optional

I find myself holding my breath.  A lot.  I do it so often that it’s no wonder that I can’t think straight sometimes: there’s little oxygen flowing to the brain. Forgetting to breathe is a huge part of my anxiety and being overwhelmed.  It exacerbates the feeling of drowning: gasping for air, the weight of […]

Normal

I find that the daily struggle to be functional and healthy has perhaps skewed my view of “normal”.  I know everyone’s normal takes different forms but it’s discouraging for me when the abnormal becomes normal.  It’s “abnormal” to be so detached that your voice sounds like a stranger’s, that the faces of loved ones don’t […]

When Others Don’t “Get It”

I’m often self-conscious about how I reveal my struggles (may I say illness?) to other people – even those most close to me.  It is so easy for me to be hurt by good intentions, by people trying to help.  Usually they end up inadvertently invalidating the severity of my experiences.  If they haven’t walked […]

Mountains and Valleys

It is a fairly common saying that hard times are valleys and good times are mountains.  What’s up with that?  I find valleys to be rather pleasant: the ground is even, the weather more mild, no obstacles.  Mountains are incredibly hard to surmount and once you are at the top you have to go back […]