The Secret Is Out

My four year old has some challenges.  One of the things that helps him transition from one activity to the next is having various objects with him.  They are different from day to day, except his blanket and a worn piece of thick yarn.  Sometimes he sneaks things into his pocket that I’d prefer he […]

Frightening Disconnect

I come in from gardening and my children are there to greet me.  They are my boys and yet I cannot register this.  I cannot register that I am their mother, that I am standing in our kitchen, that I am real, that they are real.  It is a living hell.  They are talking to […]

The Fog

“Derealization (sometimes abbreviated as DR) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one’s environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring, and depth.  It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions. Derealization is a subjective experience of unreality of the outside […]

Last Resort

Today marks the anniversary of an experience I never wish to repeat.  The earth was in full mode of Spring: beautiful pink blossoms on my tree out back, flowers gorgeously blooming, grass picturesquely green.  The beauty seemed to mock the inner storm in which I was caught: I was barely functioning.  I lay under the […]

Whirlwind

No time to rest: sleep eludes me and everyone needs everything from me all at once.  Fighting for myself: fighting to eat, fighting to shower, fighting to feel like a functioning human being and – for the most part – succeeding.  For a few days I thought of myself as Superwoman and yet that can’t […]

Triggers and Hope

I used to think that triggers were woven into the fabric of my life: evidence of permanent brokenness.  I lived in constant fear of triggers.  I tried to go to support groups but it was too difficult.  I feared what was on TV and in books and the news.  The slightest thing would debilitate me: […]

Grief

It comes crashing in on my already aching heart My fragmented mind fractures further A fog comes over me and nothing seems real Anger suppressed I’m going to explode Instead I shut down Tears flow anytime I speak Tell of the loss I hide Disappear into silence Isolate Leave me alone Nothing will alleviate This […]