Whirlwind

No time to rest: sleep eludes me and everyone needs everything from me all at once.  Fighting for myself: fighting to eat, fighting to shower, fighting to feel like a functioning human being and – for the most part – succeeding.  For a few days I thought of myself as Superwoman and yet that can’t […]

Triggers and Hope

I used to think that triggers were woven into the fabric of my life: evidence of permanent brokenness.  I lived in constant fear of triggers.  I tried to go to support groups but it was too difficult.  I feared what was on TV and in books and the news.  The slightest thing would debilitate me: […]

Grief

It comes crashing in on my already aching heart My fragmented mind fractures further A fog comes over me and nothing seems real Anger suppressed I’m going to explode Instead I shut down Tears flow anytime I speak Tell of the loss I hide Disappear into silence Isolate Leave me alone Nothing will alleviate This […]

Dark Night of the Soul

I’m emerging from yet another “dark night of the soul”.  Or, rather, a dark week of the soul.  My body and mind shut down and I felt like I was losing a battle.  It was the most frightened I have been for my well-being in a long time.  I was somebody else – an empty […]

“Little” Things

It’s strange when the smallest things people take for granted seem so huge to me.  I never go to shops.  Never.  I steel myself to go out to stores for what I can’t get online. My favorite grocery store moved to a bigger space so at least it feels less suffocating.  I decided to fight […]

When Systems Fail

It was recently explained to me this way: I have a deck of cards – my priorities – and when I get stressed I rearrange those cards putting everything higher than myself.  Self-care gets placed lower and lower in the stack until I become desperate and cannot reach that bottom rung on the ladder of […]