Grief

It comes crashing in on my already aching heart My fragmented mind fractures further A fog comes over me and nothing seems real Anger suppressed I’m going to explode Instead I shut down Tears flow anytime I speak Tell of the loss I hide Disappear into silence Isolate Leave me alone Nothing will alleviate This […]

Dark Night of the Soul

I’m emerging from yet another “dark night of the soul”.  Or, rather, a dark week of the soul.  My body and mind shut down and I felt like I was losing a battle.  It was the most frightened I have been for my well-being in a long time.  I was somebody else – an empty […]

“Little” Things

It’s strange when the smallest things people take for granted seem so huge to me.  I never go to shops.  Never.  I steel myself to go out to stores for what I can’t get online. My favorite grocery store moved to a bigger space so at least it feels less suffocating.  I decided to fight […]

When Systems Fail

It was recently explained to me this way: I have a deck of cards – my priorities – and when I get stressed I rearrange those cards putting everything higher than myself.  Self-care gets placed lower and lower in the stack until I become desperate and cannot reach that bottom rung on the ladder of […]

Hope for the Year

A year ago I was sinking in the quicksand of self harm.  I was cutting every day, multiple times a day.  I couldn’t stop.  Around the turn of the year I sat on the kitchen floor after I had gotten the kids in bed and just . . . . tore at myself.  I barely […]

Confession

Confession: I have been down on myself and overwhelmed lately. I feel like I have no business even talking about it because I have not been trying very hard at self-care. It’s like I have to earn the right to admit that I am – once again – overwhelmed and lonely. Everything from taking my […]

The Pendulum

They say life has ups and downs.  This makes sense.  I get so discouraged, though, when life seems like a pendulum.  It is swinging back and forth: sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly.  I had a week of being frightened, scared to be alone, being on the edge of a chasm that threatened to swallow me […]

The Bridge and the Chasm

Not an easy month: two weeks ago an overwhelming darkness threatened to consume me. Running through my mind over and over were thoughts of how to end my life. The thoughts were in an endless loop and they came suddenly, without a trigger. I was completely blindsided. They came during a sweet, peaceful time that […]

Pressure Cooker

My husband and I have marriage counseling on Wednesday nights.    Things are not dire between us: we are not on the brink of divorce or fighting all the time, we are just trying to make our marriage more healthy.  It is a lot of work. I can count on one hand the number of […]