The Fog

“Derealization (sometimes abbreviated as DR) is an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one’s environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional colouring, and depth.  It is a dissociative symptom of many conditions. Derealization is a subjective experience of unreality of the outside […]

Last Resort

Today marks the anniversary of an experience I never wish to repeat.  The earth was in full mode of Spring: beautiful pink blossoms on my tree out back, flowers gorgeously blooming, grass picturesquely green.  The beauty seemed to mock the inner storm in which I was caught: I was barely functioning.  I lay under the […]

Whirlwind

No time to rest: sleep eludes me and everyone needs everything from me all at once.  Fighting for myself: fighting to eat, fighting to shower, fighting to feel like a functioning human being and – for the most part – succeeding.  For a few days I thought of myself as Superwoman and yet that can’t […]

Triggers and Hope

I used to think that triggers were woven into the fabric of my life: evidence of permanent brokenness.  I lived in constant fear of triggers.  I tried to go to support groups but it was too difficult.  I feared what was on TV and in books and the news.  The slightest thing would debilitate me: […]

Grief

It comes crashing in on my already aching heart My fragmented mind fractures further A fog comes over me and nothing seems real Anger suppressed I’m going to explode Instead I shut down Tears flow anytime I speak Tell of the loss I hide Disappear into silence Isolate Leave me alone Nothing will alleviate This […]

Dark Night of the Soul

I’m emerging from yet another “dark night of the soul”.  Or, rather, a dark week of the soul.  My body and mind shut down and I felt like I was losing a battle.  It was the most frightened I have been for my well-being in a long time.  I was somebody else – an empty […]

“Little” Things

It’s strange when the smallest things people take for granted seem so huge to me.  I never go to shops.  Never.  I steel myself to go out to stores for what I can’t get online. My favorite grocery store moved to a bigger space so at least it feels less suffocating.  I decided to fight […]