Eating has been going better of late but there is much room for improvement. I’m discouraged because I still have a bi-weekly ritual of emptying the fridge of rotting food. I’m spending too much on takeout. I feel stressed and stuck. It frustrates my husband but he is very kind in trying not to say anything. When he does I get inordinately defensive and angry. All of my trying and stressing about the never-ending cycle of throwing away food brings me such shame. The shame turns into anger – over and over: it’s the same cycle. When I have hope of breaking the cycle I fail again.
I have to somehow coax myself out of this “all or nothing” mindset. I can’t be completely successful and healthy with food in the blink of an eye. It takes too much energy, too much thought, and it’s too easy to beat myself up about it.
I cannot forget from where I have come: there were days when I would just have a snack or maybe one meal. Now I eat breakfast and generally get another meal in the late afternoon. Dinner is still a struggle.
All this to say, I am not the only one dealing with this. Not eating is a form of self-harm – at least it is for me. My lack of eating directly correlated to my sense of self-worth. I wasn’t worthy enough to take care of and I didn’t deserve even a second thought.
So, if you are having trouble eating please know that you are not alone. My heart aches for you if you struggle with it. I know how debilitating and depressing it can be. Hang in there. I’ll be hanging with you.