In the Days After

The worst is over yet I am still in anguish.  I am alive and my brain has relented. It has  lessened it’s destructive intentions just barely enough to give me a shard of hope that I’m not going to die.  But I can’t breathe.  I am still panicking.  The mere act of existing still feels […]

Afraid to Dream

A time for new beginnings and fresh starts yet I don’t dare to dream beyond the day.  A lifelong habit: get through today and if that works get through tomorrow.  Some days it’s just “get through this hour, get through this minute”.  Sometimes it’s like that for many days. The tyranny of the urgent pulls […]

Peace and Hope

There seems to be no way to gain any perspective lately – the sadness, ache, and fear are overwhelming.  It colors everything.  I know that it is not the whole story but I cannot escape.  I cannot escape and so I hide.  The shame of the sadness drives me into isolation.  I feel broken: unable […]

Whirlwind

No time to rest: sleep eludes me and everyone needs everything from me all at once.  Fighting for myself: fighting to eat, fighting to shower, fighting to feel like a functioning human being and – for the most part – succeeding.  For a few days I thought of myself as Superwoman and yet that can’t […]

Triggers and Hope

I used to think that triggers were woven into the fabric of my life: evidence of permanent brokenness.  I lived in constant fear of triggers.  I tried to go to support groups but it was too difficult.  I feared what was on TV and in books and the news.  The slightest thing would debilitate me: […]

Hope for the Year

A year ago I was sinking in the quicksand of self harm.  I was cutting every day, multiple times a day.  I couldn’t stop.  Around the turn of the year I sat on the kitchen floor after I had gotten the kids in bed and just . . . . tore at myself.  I barely […]

The Pendulum

They say life has ups and downs.  This makes sense.  I get so discouraged, though, when life seems like a pendulum.  It is swinging back and forth: sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly.  I had a week of being frightened, scared to be alone, being on the edge of a chasm that threatened to swallow me […]

on being “ok”

One of my mantras is “it’s OK to not be OK”.  This stems from growing up in a family where I was often told that I didn’t smile enough, that I wasn’t happy enough.  It led me to try present something on the outside that was often far different than my true self. Our culture […]

Slow Progress

Eating has been going better of late but there is much room for improvement.  I’m discouraged because I still have a bi-weekly ritual of emptying the fridge of rotting food.  I’m spending too much on takeout.  I feel stressed and stuck.  It frustrates my husband but he is very kind in trying not to say […]

It’s Time to Eat

I’ve had regular meals since yesterday afternoon.  I don’t have time to fight this shit:  I need to move on.  I’m not going to play the life-sucking game of am I ready to work on it or not, am I worth it or not, do I have the determination or not.  I am not going […]