Peace and Hope

There seems to be no way to gain any perspective lately – the sadness, ache, and fear are overwhelming.  It colors everything.  I know that it is not the whole story but I cannot escape.  I cannot escape and so I hide.  The shame of the sadness drives me into isolation.  I feel broken: unable […]

Whirlwind

No time to rest: sleep eludes me and everyone needs everything from me all at once.  Fighting for myself: fighting to eat, fighting to shower, fighting to feel like a functioning human being and – for the most part – succeeding.  For a few days I thought of myself as Superwoman and yet that can’t […]

Triggers and Hope

I used to think that triggers were woven into the fabric of my life: evidence of permanent brokenness.  I lived in constant fear of triggers.  I tried to go to support groups but it was too difficult.  I feared what was on TV and in books and the news.  The slightest thing would debilitate me: […]

Hope for the Year

A year ago I was sinking in the quicksand of self harm.  I was cutting every day, multiple times a day.  I couldn’t stop.  Around the turn of the year I sat on the kitchen floor after I had gotten the kids in bed and just . . . . tore at myself.  I barely […]

The Pendulum

They say life has ups and downs.  This makes sense.  I get so discouraged, though, when life seems like a pendulum.  It is swinging back and forth: sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly.  I had a week of being frightened, scared to be alone, being on the edge of a chasm that threatened to swallow me […]

on being “ok”

One of my mantras is “it’s OK to not be OK”.  This stems from growing up in a family where I was often told that I didn’t smile enough, that I wasn’t happy enough.  It led me to try present something on the outside that was often far different than my true self. Our culture […]

Slow Progress

Eating has been going better of late but there is much room for improvement.  I’m discouraged because I still have a bi-weekly ritual of emptying the fridge of rotting food.  I’m spending too much on takeout.  I feel stressed and stuck.  It frustrates my husband but he is very kind in trying not to say […]