Some sort of self-regulation may have finally been attained in these past few days and I am hoping against hope that I can continue with it. I actually think I can because so much has happened lately, both positive and heartbreaking, that the intensity has broken me . . . I need a break. Yet […]
Silence is golden . . . unless you’re drowning. I judge myself and hate myself and harm myself because I believe the lie that it will somehow get me out of the water enough to breathe but it does the exact opposite. Too often I just want to give up. Silence kills. Silence is losing […]
The worst is over yet I am still in anguish. I am alive and my brain has relented. It has lessened it’s destructive intentions just barely enough to give me a shard of hope that I’m not going to die. But I can’t breathe. I am still panicking. The mere act of existing still feels […]
A time for new beginnings and fresh starts yet I don’t dare to dream beyond the day. A lifelong habit: get through today and if that works get through tomorrow. Some days it’s just “get through this hour, get through this minute”. Sometimes it’s like that for many days. The tyranny of the urgent pulls […]
There seems to be no way to gain any perspective lately – the sadness, ache, and fear are overwhelming. It colors everything. I know that it is not the whole story but I cannot escape. I cannot escape and so I hide. The shame of the sadness drives me into isolation. I feel broken: unable […]
No time to rest: sleep eludes me and everyone needs everything from me all at once. Fighting for myself: fighting to eat, fighting to shower, fighting to feel like a functioning human being and – for the most part – succeeding. For a few days I thought of myself as Superwoman and yet that can’t […]
I used to think that triggers were woven into the fabric of my life: evidence of permanent brokenness. I lived in constant fear of triggers. I tried to go to support groups but it was too difficult. I feared what was on TV and in books and the news. The slightest thing would debilitate me: […]
A year ago I was sinking in the quicksand of self harm. I was cutting every day, multiple times a day. I couldn’t stop. Around the turn of the year I sat on the kitchen floor after I had gotten the kids in bed and just . . . . tore at myself. I barely […]
They say life has ups and downs. This makes sense. I get so discouraged, though, when life seems like a pendulum. It is swinging back and forth: sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly. I had a week of being frightened, scared to be alone, being on the edge of a chasm that threatened to swallow me […]
One of my mantras is “it’s OK to not be OK”. This stems from growing up in a family where I was often told that I didn’t smile enough, that I wasn’t happy enough. It led me to try present something on the outside that was often far different than my true self. Our culture […]
Healing The Ache 